Shine with shiatsu journal
Invisible, but close. 9 ways to stay in touch with the deceased
Every week I talk to my clients about their grief. And about the people they have lost.
Depending on our personal imagination, intuition and spirituality, we maintain contact with our deceased.
During my grieving process, I also learnt how valuable it is not to lose contact. I realised that there are ways to stay in contact with my deceased loved ones. This gave me hope and a new sense of connection. In this blog post, I would like to share my experiences and show you ways to stay connected.
1. When the world stood still for a moment
When my father died, I was 24 and the news reached me in the Berlin underground, line 8, somewhere between Volta- and Bernauer Strasse. I was just about to take my cousin to the train when my aunt rang. Father passed away this morning. The funeral is in two days.
I heard what she said. I heard her trembling but clear voice. The words reached me with a delay. My head was cut off as if it had been immersed in a dark cloud.
I remained calm, so calm that I doubted whether the call had even taken place. But inside, everything was raging inside me. My stomach clenched, my heart tightened. I wanted to gasp for air and all I could smell was the underground. My cousin looked at me. I wanted to tell her what had happened, but I couldn’t get a word out.
I need a pair of black trousers – I thought.
2. Between farewell and liberation
My father’s death was also a liberation. Especially for him. Many years before his death, he was paraplegic and spent most of his time lying down. He could neither move nor speak. He could cry. That made me realise what moved him.
How many hours I sat by his bed as a teenager, massaging his cold feet and wishing he didn’t have to suffer so much?
How many years did I feel that I was physically stronger than him?
How many times have I travelled from the care home to my theatre group and wished for a different role in this life? One with a strong and present father.
My grief began years ago. I grieved because he was no longer active in my life. His illness stood between us. We learnt to live with it. We had found ways to communicate with each other.
But now everything seemed so final. Something had come to an end. My father is gone. Forever.
3. Where can I find you? Where can we find each other?
After my father’s death, I mourned him for a long time. Every time I was in my hometown, I went to the cemetery to visit his grave. It was a symbolic place, but not necessarily the place where I felt him.
In the meantime, I had accepted his death but still felt connected to him. Unconsciously, I was searching for him and for a new kind of relationship.
Where can I find parts of you? Where can we meet? – I asked myself.
It wasn’t until many years later, when I was training as a bereavement counsellor, that I learnt about “continuing bonds”, an approach used in modern grief research. It states that a continuing inner relationship with a deceased person can be helpful. The relationship does not end, it continues, just in a different way. You don’t have to let go of the deceased, you don’t have to forget them. That’s exactly how I intuitively felt!
I felt my father most when I was by the water. Or directly while swimming. I remembered how we used to swim together. I was nine at the time and had a long braided pigtail. I remembered how we were in the outdoor pool on a hot summer’s day. Together, hand in hand, we jumped off the 5-metre tower. I held his hand very tightly and only let go when we dived deep into the water.
4. When we are ready, they visit us
There can be moments in everyday life when we suddenly feel connected because a memory comes up, because a photo or an object reminds us of that person. Or a smell. Like rice pudding with hot raspberries – I immediately feel like I’m four years old again in my grandmother’s kitchen.
I realised that I always felt a connection to my deceased father when I was open to it myself. When I was ready to receive him.
One day I found an old photo. Black and white, already yellowed on the back. It looks like my father is hovering above houses. But actually he is jumping into the water. He looks athletic, sporty and brave. At that moment, I realised that even though his personality had many facets, that’s the way I wanted to remember him. This is how I feel his essence.
5. Ways of connecting with our deceased
All relationships live on in us, even if the physical body is no longer there. There are many ways to make contact with the deceased. As with so many things, our attitude and mindset are fundamental. They influence what we think is possible.
We encounter the dead not only in cemeteries and gravestones, but also in everyday situations.
1.) Places
Where did you like to be together? Maybe it’s a building, a garden or a park? Maybe a certain city where you went on holiday? Look up these places and relive your memories of beautiful things.
2.) Music
What music makes you feel connected to the person who has died? What music did the person like? Was there a favourite song? Music can very quickly transport us into a certain emotional world. It can make our feelings flow and create a sense of connection.
3.) Celebrations
One the day when my grandma turned 100, I set the kitchen table for her birthday. I put out fresh flowers, a cake and we celebrated her. My children never got to know their great-grandmother, but they know who she was. You can use birthdays, wedding anniversaries and other important events as an opportunity to celebrate important people. Or you can place a plate for the deceased at Christmas dinner so that they are symbolically present.
4.) Essence
Find the essence of the deceased person in a picture or an object. How would you like to remember them? What characteristic or quality do you want to visualise? The essence that becomes visible in a photo reminds you of the personality and character of the deceased person.
The picture I chose of my father was taken in the 70-ties. He was a lifeguard in a swimming pool at the time. The photo shows him jumping into the water. It reminds me of his activity and his courage. It reminds me of the joy he had in sport and the joy he passed on to me.
5.) Writing
Writing can support the grieving process. You can keep a grief diary, write poems or letters to the deceased. Write what is on your mind (or in your heart) without thinking too much.
6.) Activities
What activities did you do together? What did you like doing together? I often think about my father when I’m swimming. It doesn’t always happen. But when it does, it feels very natural and happy.
7.) Dreams
I have had countless encounters with deceased people in my dreams. Each time it touches me and gives me a smile. It is as if they are visiting me, sending me a little message.
In her book about the relationship with the dead, Vinciane Despret writes about the special role of dreams. It is a way of transmitting messages, in a very gentle and caring way.
“The dead let us dream. It is one of the most beautiful forms of care that surrounds the living, forcing them to work on a puzzle, changing the course of their actions and encouraging them to break with habits, to understand things differently” – Vinciane Despret
8.) Prayer & meditation
When we become still, we become aware of our inner world. Then we open our subtle perception of ourselves and our outer field. It can be a good opportunity to invite our deceased person into a space of silence. We can also light a candle. For many people, prayer is also a form of connection. Reading or saying prayers can support closeness to our deceased.
9.) Channelling
There are people with mediumistic abilities who can make contact with the deceased. If you are not familiar with this practice, it can seem a little scary at first. But when you are in the midst of it, you quickly realise whether it is right or not. It can be very healing. Especially when you have the feeling that you are getting answers to your questions from the deceased.
6. Summary
Our relationships shape our entire lives. Even after death, they are important and valuable.
I believe that the deceased send us messages. And I believe that the most important thing is to be open to this possibility.
Contact with the deceased can cheer us up and give us hope. It can reorient our lives. What do I want to keep as a memory? How do I want to live with my loss? Which part can go and which can stay? It is therefore an examination of both death and life.
How do you keep in touch with your deceased loved ones?
With love,
Aleksandra
