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5 ways to access grief in a gentle way
„Grieving is soooo stressful! It takes up all my energy!“ I hear this very often in my practice. And it’s absolutely true! Grieving means stress. Stress on so many levels. There’s the emotional rollercoaster of a variety of emotions, and the physical stress that accumulates in the body. Sometimes this stress builds up over years or even decades.
It takes time for our bodies to adjust to the absence of someone or something. It takes time for our hearts to cope with emotional overwhelm — a mixture of sadness, anger, frustration, guilt and regret. We need time to accept that we cannot turn back time to change our actions or say the things we wish we had said.
To process grief, we need to make space for it. The emotional pain will not simply disappear. If we do not address it, it will remain trapped in the body, potentially causing anxiety, depression and chronic pain. I have written about the many ways in which grief can manifest in the body in a seperate blog post.
1. Allow grief to stay
I often come across the idea that grief should have a set end date. A moment in time when it will simply be over. Along with this comes the hope that, once the grief has passed, life will return to normal. To the life we had before.
The truth, as I understand it, is that there is no end point, and it is not possible to return to normal. Grief is the process of adapting to a new life and the pain associated with it.
Grief will change you. It’s often like a time stamp that marks the beginning and end of an era. We are not meant to go back to the life we had. This life is no longer possible.
In this new reality, it is important to acknowledge that grief will stay with us. We must enter into a relationship with it. Therefore, the question is not how to get rid of grief. A more relevant question is how we can make space for it. How can I access it? How can I be with grief consciously and allow myself to feel it?
2. Surround yourself with kindness when you grieve
The way you respond to grief is important. If you can, take a gentle approach. By that, I mean without any kind of expectation towards yourself. Don’t put pressure on yourself to make the feeling go away. ‘Gentle’ means doing things in your own time and at your own pace.
Grief changes over time. Some days will be difficult, some will be quiet and some will be surprisingly full of life. There will be days when you won’t want to talk to anyone. Retreating inward is a common way to cope with loss. At other times, you may feel like sharing your pain with others. Reach out for support and ensure that others respect where you are in life right now.
Whatever you decide to do, please consider that doing nothing will not help. It will most likely make things more difficult for you in the future. I echo Edith Eger’s words:
„Time doesn’t heal. It’s what you do with the time. Healing is possible when we take responsibility, take risks and release the wound; when we let go of the past or the grief.”
Kindness and self-compassion are wonderful ways to support your healing journey through grief.
3. Five ways to access grief in a gentle way
Self-care when grieving means not putting pressure on yourself to get over it as quickly as possible. Instead, you are opening up to the possibility of embracing grief in all its forms.
Grief is not a thought or a perception. It’s an emotion, so it can be best accessed through your body rather than your mind. Grief is a complex emotion that encompasses many different feelings. It’s therefore good to be aware that, depending on the day, you may experience a range of emotions. All of them are welcome.
Here are five ways you can access grief gently and involve your body.
1.) Practise relaxation techniques
When you are dealing with so many emotions, relaxation is key. This will help to calm your mind, even if only for five minutes. It’s important to take breaks that nourish you properly. Some people like to combine relaxation with movement, for example through yoga, light stretching or walking in nature. Others enjoy silence and practising deep breathing or meditation. Whatever you choose, make sure you take regular breaks from work.
2.) Use self-soothing techniques
It’s amazing how we can soothe ourselves through touch. Try it out! Wrap your arms around yourself in a slow hug. Stay there for a moment. Then open your arms wide to each side and hug yourself again. When you put your hands on your opposite shoulders, stroke down your arms to your elbows. This self-soothing technique is a gentle way to calm your nervous system.
3.) Express yourself through creative writing
Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Sit down with a pen and paper and start writing. You can write about anything. Write about how you feel or what you observe. Set a timer for five minutes and keep writing, even if you run out of ideas. If you don’t know what to write next, just keep writing one random word repeatedly until a new thought comes to you.
4.) Make space for your voice
Expressing your voice is another gentle way to connect with your inner world. You don’t have to join a choir to do that. Just hum or sing some simple words or melodies. This is a great way to make space for self-expression and shift the energy in your throat.
5.) Create rituals
Rituals often bring a special moment of celebration and closure. This is something we all need when we grieve. They can be performed once or multiple times for special occasions such as anniversaries. I love rituals because they honour our relationship with the person we are grieving. The person is no longer here, but the relationship still is, and it can be honoured at any time. In my blog post, I offer guidance on how to connect with those who have passed away. If you are interested, please take a look at my post, ‘Invisible, But Close’. 9 ways to stay in touch with the deceased.
4. Grief is your companion
Grief is not your enemy. It is a natural reaction to loss that requires your attention.
Think about how you can make space for your grief. What kind of self-care activity would you enjoy? Would you prefer to be alone or in the company of others?
If you are looking for more human connection, I suggest reaching out to a local grief support group. Being in a space with people who have all suffered a loss can be a comforting experience. It is a reminder that we are not alone in our suffering. We all experience grief for various reasons, even if it is not visible on the outside. I offer grief support groups regularly, and you can find more information on the ‘Workshops’ tab of my website.
If you would prefer not to talk about your grief with a group of people, consider consulting a therapist or counsellor instead. The benefit of a therapist is that they are a neutral person who will create a space just for you and your emotions. When looking for the right therapist, review their approach. While I don’t dismiss talk therapy, I prefer somatic methods because they also help to regulate the nervous system. If you are interested in working with me, please get in touch.
Remember that time alone does not heal. It’s what you do with your time that matters. It’s about creating opportunities to embrace the grief rather than fighting against it. Do it gently and with kindness. You need the support of people who won’t pressure you to just move on and get back to your old life.
With love,
Aleksandra
